he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This house was built for laser tag.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
