Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
