Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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