K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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