College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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