My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
