I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Text me some of your sweat
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
