Is it because I queefed?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
