If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
