Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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