its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
