Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
