I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
