It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
