Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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