Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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