I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
zippers are such a cool invention
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
