omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
