I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
