Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
