It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
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