I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
