From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I understand Curling. That high.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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