you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
