i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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