I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize