I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
