Will you blow on my dice?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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