Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
