I seem to have left my pride at pride
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
