I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
