Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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