So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
