It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
