just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is it because I queefed?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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