I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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