I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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