I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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