Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
