You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
