her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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