her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i now understand why vodka
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
