I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
