so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
