Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
should my penis look like a turkey
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
