bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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