Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
