i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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