im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
