Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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