saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
