never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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