I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just want to make out with him forever
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
