im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
